Today’s column is on how you can combat Christmas confusion and conundrums.
Or at least it’s wishful thinking.
The simplest way to get out of having your home invaded for this major eat-a-thon is to relocate to a restaurant. That way, you escape having to carve the turkey or ham, you avoid getting hugs and smooches from a too-happy uncle or aunt under the mistletoe, and that 10-pound gift fruitcake won’t be finding its way to your table.
Plus, you don’t even have to tell the rest of the family where you’re eating, for that matter.
Tired of your neighbors decorating their house and lawn so brightly that it makes yours look like a dark, deserted hovel at night when they fire it up? Simply sneak over there in the wee hours with your burned-out Christmas bulbs and swap yours for theirs — they’ll get tired of replacing them, and you’ll get fresh ones for your place. I mean, c’mon, who needs to have their property visible from outer space with all that junk, for crying out loud?
Are you besieged by persistent, obnoxious carol singers? You know, the ones who project the loudest and most off-key? All you have to do is wait for them to get started and then snatch open the door, run outside in your SpongeBob boxer shorts, waving some mistletoe and hugging them, one by one.
Trust me, they’ll wish you a Merry Christmas and will be gone like that last piece of pecan pie before you can yell, “Who wants some figgy pudding?”
How about that last minute Christmas card that arrives on Christmas Eve from someone you hadn’t counted on hearing from? You know the one I mean — I hinted at it last week.
There you are, priding yourself in responding to each and every one, buying book after book of stamps, trying to come up with sincere wishes to write in each, chasing down the mailman to hand him another handful while praying he doesn’t hand you some too. I’d say you have two options.
Send them one back after the new year and write inside that you wanted to be the first one to get a card to them for the next Christmas.
The second option is to give them a call to say that you wanted your greetings to be extra special, and that you wanted to hear the holiday cheer in their voice.
And if they don’t buy that, send ‘em a Christmas text next time.
And then there are those who will fill up your Facebook newsfeed with the same cute stuff year after year after year after year. You know what I mean — videos of dogs barking the tune to “Jingle Bells,” snowmen being melted to death by hair dryers or hot flashes, and countless poses of that creepy little Elf on the Shelf.
One word: unfollow. At least until the holiday is over.
How about all that Black Friday shopping?
I’m not a part of that malicious melee, but if I were, I’d dive right into the crowd with a can of mace in one hand and a taser in the other, and I’d be able to get to what I was after. Well, that may be a bit drastic and would likely get me a fancy pair of bracelets and a free ride to the police station, so I might consider something else.
Maybe if I walked into the crowded box store wearing a sign around my neck that read “Leper,” and shuffled around declaring loudly, “Unclean! Unclean!” That just might part them like Moses did with the Red Sea and get to wherever I needed to go.
Or I’d just save all the trouble and go to the mom and pop stores, who we should all be supporting as much as possible anyway.
And then there’s always that one person on your list that you need to shop for, who has everything, plus a place to put it. I say go for the weird gift, in that case. I bet they don’t have a pet tarantula. And I bet they’ll appreciate not being on your list next time if you do get them one!
Be creative, y’all. They say Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, and that is so. But why can’t it be the most spontaneous, aggressive, whacked time of the year, too?
Here’s ho-ho-hoping you get into the fun spirit of it all!