Just when you think the current events of the day can’t get more bizarre and infuriating, along comes some fool licking ice cream in the store that you might be buying and eating. I think I’m more ticked off than I am grossed out by this asinine act.

After spending years doing plumbing and wastewater work, it really does take a lot to gross me out. So I guess I’ll have to settle for being mad about it.

Who in their right mind walks into a Walmart store, takes a tub of ice cream from the freezer, removes the lid, licks the product inside, replaces the lid, and then puts it back in the freezer for some unsuspecting consumer who will buy it, take it home, and eat her DNA?! The answer is nobody in their right mind does that.

Honestly, this likely would never have happened without the advent of social media, where fools are constantly being challenged to one-up other fools and then share it with their friends and the rest of the mortified world. Where were news stories like this back when I had to write about current events in junior high school? How I would’ve loved to have had that opportunity then.

I guess you know by now that copycat ice-cream violator has been identified. Monkey see, monkey do. That’s how I see it. I know, I used that old adage a few months back and was maligned in letters to the editor (meant to be published, as well as some not shared publicly) by over-sensitive, hysterical, condescending, clueless keyboard assassins. Let ‘em eat cake. And choke on it. Better yet, go lick somebody else’s ice cream.

What should be the punishment for drive-by lickers of ice cream? The media says a crime like this is punishable by up to 20 years in jail. We all know that ain’t gonna happen, and that anything more than community service would be a surprise. If you ask me, I’d make the loco licker eat a whole gallon of ice cream in one setting, with no break. That’s right, let it induce the headache of all headaches as a not-so-gentle reminder not to be so brazenly stupid next time. Then again, how do you give a brain freeze to those who are obviously brainless?

As if the ice cream wasn’t enough, now there’s a video on social media of some wormy dude with shoulder-length hair strolling through a store, picking up a bottle of mouthwash, gargling, spitting it back into the bottle, and placing it back on the shelf, wiping his mouth, and walking away, grinning. And doing so with fresh breath. I’d have this snarky weasel gargle on social media with a big swig of antifreeze, and then make him snort a line of Comet cleanser. I’d be the most creative judge ever, if they’d just put me on the bench with robe and gavel.

Thanks to fools like the above-mentioned, grocery shopping may take even longer now. I say that because every shopper will be reaching to the back of each display, hoping to find a non-licked, non-sampled item. But if there’s a silver lining, grocery stores may be able to cut back on staff because who needs workers to rotate stock if all the customers are doing it?

I scream, you scream, we all scream about ice cream — especially the lickety-split variety. The ice cream companies and Walmart will survive this. They’ll take their lickin’ and keep on tickin’ like a Timex watch. But just in case, it might be wise to buy stock in homemade ice-cream churns. You read that tip here first.

In rethinking consequences for bad behavior such as what this column is about today, it might be justifiable to punish those lascivious lickers with licks from a large wooden paddle, in the public square, licks to their rear ends. Or even better, via pay-per-view on cable TV. One lick with the tongue garners 10 licks with the paddle seems fair to me.

Then we’ll see who’s doing all the screaming about ice cream.


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